Middle Aged Delinquent

I’m a mom. I’m 47. I look it. I don’t belong on television; no one will ever say I look 10 years younger than I am. They might, however, say I act 20 years younger than I am. Or 30. Several weeks ago, in a fit of ennui while shopping in a self-styled entertainment store, I discovered a new pastime.

First let me explain “self-styled entertainment store". This is a store that can’t decide what it wants to be. Is it a music store? Well, it sells music, yes. Is it a book store? Well, it sells books, yes. Is it a computer game store? Well, it sells computer games, yes. It sells musical instruments; it sells stereos and alarm clocks; it sells t-shirts; it sells incense; it sells bumper stickers; it sells soft drinks. It does none of these things very well.

I have experience in this: I managed bookstores of various types for more than 10 years. I know how to do it. I know when it’s good, and I know when it’s bad. I can translate that to other types of retail establishments. Face it, it’s not rocket science. This particular establishment concentrates on the musical merchandise, so the books, which are my first love, get sadly ignored.

As I said, I was feeling a bit of ennui while I waited for my 18 year old son to finish his shopping, and I was browsing what they were trying to pass off as a book department. It truly was pitiful. It was obvious from the condition of the books that this department never got any attention from the staff of the store.

With glee, I motioned my son to come over. “Let me show you how to have fun in a bookstore, honey." We placed Ann Coulter's book and Tucker Carlson's book inside The Cosmo Kama Sutra: 77 Mind Blowing Sex Positions, simply because the thought of Ann and Tucker fucking was just . . . well you think about that for a minute. See? eww. Take a minute to wash your brain before continuing.

We mixed books on politics with books on religion; the two things you should never mix, right there on the shelf! There happen to be a fairly significant number of pagan titles in the store, thanks ,I believe to a few friends who used to work there. (At this point I must add, when they worked there, the store was not the mess it is now. If they're reading this they know exactly the store of which I write.) It was delicious to move Bucklands Big Blue Witchcraft Book next to the Bible. Something that in all my years of bookstore management, I was unable to do for fear of backlash from fundy customers.

But one act captured our imaginations more than any other. It is brilliant in its simplicity, really. We removed Mike Savage's book from its dust jacket, and turned it upside down and backwards - so that it reads right to left. Brilliant. I told my son, “Someone will buy this, and then return it because they will think it’s a publisher’s defect.�? Anyone who has worked in a bookstore knows this is true. That was several weeks before the holidays.

Several weeks later, we returned to this exalted establishment because the aforementioned 18 year old son was jonesing for more music. We checked. The book was still there - and it still reads right to left! We couldn’t help ourselves. We had to fix some other right-reading books the same way. I think we might have almost been busted; I saw an employee headed our way. He heard the long-haired hippie looking boy (my son) laughing in that way that only 18 year old boys can laugh when they are up to no good. But whew! Saved by the Mom! McManager could hardly believe that plump little middle aged me would be up to no good. Either that, or he could not bring himself to approach me. Especially since he could see we had a stack of at least $100 worth of merchandise in our hands to purchase.

As I paid for our stuff, I wondered if I was teaching my son a bad lesson. After all, we were “messing" with other people’s property. Immediately, my internal rationalizer kicked it. We didn’t hurt anything. The books were not damaged. They were not stolen. For anyone smart enough to get the joke, it really was rather funny. And if someone was not smart enough to get the joke, then it might just get under the skin of a right-wing nut job. The thought of that makes my day.

I thought about my days as a bookstore clerk and manager. How would I feel if I found a joke like that in my store? Well, I'm smart enough to get the joke. I’d laugh pretty damn hard, and wish I’d thought of it myself.

As we left the store, my son declared, “That was great! It didn’t hurt anything, but it makes a point. A point that hardly anyone will get!!"

I've raised him well. He practically cackled with glee. “We should go to other stores and do this!" I pointed out that one reason we were able to do this was that in this particular store, they pay very little attention to their book section. He countered that in most bookstores, the shelves are pretty high, and it could be done with just a few books. Just to make a point - that hardly anyone will get. But it will be worth it for the ones who do get it. So - bookstores on the east coast, be warned. All those right-leaning books may soon be right-reading books, too. Courtesy of a middle-aged delinquent and her son.